chemicals

Tuberculosis, TB, is an interesting little bug. It is a bacterial infection that gets into your lungs more often than not. It has been known to affect other parts of the body, but mostly it is the lungs. Unlike most bacteria, and I do mean most, TB is pretty indestructalbe once it has taken hold. Only recently, with the advent of antibiotics, have we actually been able to shed this disease from our system. That is not to say that the body doesn't have its own defenses. That is not to say that we aren't capable in some way of staving off this disease. We form tubercles, little tiny cellular walls in our lungs so that we can stop the rampant spread of this bacteria. So that we can prevent it from overwhelming us. Eventually though, if untreated, the bacteria always wins. It will burst free and invade more tissue causing a necrosis of the tissue. You will spit up blood cough alot and eventually you will die. I have similar disease affecting my heart right now.

I know that love is just a series of chemicals, a reaction in the brain it is nothing more. I say that because I am putting up my own defensive walls. I have to wall off this shattering heart ache before it takes the whole heart. You see, today ended three great years of my life. Today Leisl finally realized that I wasn't quite enough for her. Today, as always I was not enough. I gave it my best effort. I love her. I put forth so much effort recently. I had made many mistakes in the past, but for so long I have known that I wanted her to be my one and only. I thought that I had found something that was lasting. It was worth the effort but again that effort was not enough. I seem to always come up short here. I am never enough.

I won't hate this girl though. Not like the others. We had some really great times over the past three years. I used to have nothing but joy in my heart when I thought about the first time we met. It was over coffee. We were both so nervous. I can remember rambling on and on and on about myself while she sat and listened. It was cute. Right now that memory will only bring tears though. I am crying right now in fact. It blurs the words but it strangely brings the thoughts into focus.

How could I expect this to last? I couldn't I guess. There was always this fine balance that had happened between us. She would need to get away from me for a while and call a break to what we were doing. It happened the first summer we were together. It happened again after that second summer. Three times is permanent isn't it? That is a rule somewhere. I am certain of it. Break a heart three times and there is no turning back. Right now I have to focus on building walls though. I need to focus on building walls up around this disease, these chemicals so that I can function without crying. I need to find my antibiotic.

There is no real mystery to my mind. When it gets a hit like this it will eventually spiral towards thoughts of worthlessness. It has already started if you couldn't tell by the statements made previously. Still, it will be a downward spiral as always. Eventually, I will have suicidal thoughts. I will find my grandfathers straight razor and start running warm bath water. I never do more than take a bath and the thing is so fucking dull it couldn't cut butter but it is still there and it will be a thought. It will sit on the edge of the tub with a candle burning with in hands reach. But I will build a wall around that part of my heart too.

Maybe one day all these walls will come crashing down on my head and I will explode. Maybe I will just go haywire and snap. It is a possibility. They will lock me up when I go crazy that is for certain. I watched my father have a nervous break down once. Maybe there is some genetics to that. He was always on mood stabilizers after that. Mean as a snake and as violent as a hurricane when he didn't have them.

She told me that there was a chance, a chance when she straightened out everything that her feelings for me would come back. I know that can't happen. I am a chemist and it is so rare that you ever get back something when chemicals change. Sure you can get something back that is like the original. When you dissolve copper into acid you can get it back. Sure you can but it isn't that same piece of copper you put in... just a dust that you have filtered out. Hope is not a luxuary I can afford at this moment. Hope is just a bastard child that always fucks you. You can't depend on hope. You can depend on walls. Walls are solid. The only thing that breaks them is a force beyond the power of man.

It will take an earthquake to break the walls I am going to build around my heart. Still, I can't say that they will be perfect. I can't confess that they will not break down under the weight I am putting behind them and something won't come leaking out. I don't ever make anything perfectly. I never have. Again, my best efforts are never enough.

So I have TB of the heart. Yeah. I need an antibiotic. I need some emergency treatment before this kills me. I feel dead inside and I am waiting for my body to catch up right now. I don't want to alarm anyone. I don't want to bring distress to your lives. I am sorry to have bothered you all right now. I will be drowning myself in several heart break punches tonight. I will probably make it a two-fer. I have enough ever clear, and walmart lemonade is cheap. It may not be an antibiotic but it will certainly do as a pain pill. It will be my tylanol because I can't afford real drugs. It will numb the throbbing in my head and make shattering of this heart.

For the first time after having started my new job I envy those little old people who are so confused as Dementia slowly takes away what they had and what they have. I wish it were more prevelant in my family right now. Sadly it isn't. Sadly none of my grandparents or parents even show the smallest sign. Their memories will remain clear and crystal until their dying days. Just like mine. Still I could wish for it couldn't I? We don't have chemicals to fix that and I wouldn't want to. It is the only way I can think of to deal with this right now. I want to forget the past three years. The good and the bad. Fuck, maybe I could forget this whole time in Iowa. The good and the bad and get back to a simpler time. I would miss some. I would. There are no chemicals to stop it for them and no chemicals to make this dream come true for me.

This may sound pathetic but I wish my mom and my dad were here right now. They couldn't do anything to fix the problem. They couldn't make the pain go away but something is still comforting about their presence. Maybe it is because their chemicals will never stop for me. Kyle too. He would be here and he would be my fist of rage. He is so angry. So very angry but he would do anything for me. He would do all that he knows and try to hurt what is hurting me. He would. I wish Elf and Joel were here. Their chemicals were always real. They never let me down. They always loved me. I wish all those alum from Cornell could be here. Ryan would give me wisdom. Mark would give me faith. Corey would give me something to laugh at. I have great people here and everywhere. I know that they will reach out to me in this time of need. I know that their chemicals are there. I know they care.

So as it stands, I am left feeling like a worthless wasted shell. I am building a wall around my heart. I am blocking off the biggest part of it. Like so many times before this broken record will repeat itself. When you give your best, when you give all you have and then that love isn't enough what do you have? What does that say about you? It tells me that I am a defunct model. Love, in the romantic sense, was not something that I was made to have. Never enough. Never enough.

I have a disease. Someone please give me a cure.

Thank you. Fuck you.
Lockwood