...but I really really really don't like you." That particular phrase is one that has stuck in my mind for a long some time since I heard the song it is associated with. I may have had that track on repeat for half a dozen times before I let the CD move along. I thought that I might have it play on and on until the little laser reader simply burned a hole in the thing. At first the song made me laugh. Who am I kidding I was rolling in my car as I the track came to pass on its first round through. There are reasons that the song was humorous to me. There are many as a matter of fact.
In truth, hate is a really strong word. Hate is a powerful emotion and I don't know if I can say that there is anything that I have really ever hated. In truth there are not that many things that I really don't like. Still there are things that do fall into that second category and as a glutton for punishment and my continued ability to never let things go mean that second
grows exponentially. I could make a list but that would take up this page and then some. Most don't like to read simple listings anyway.
Still the list of things that I really, really, really don't like seems to have something added to it everyday. On the flipside there is probably a list of things that I do enjoy probably grows as well. I just don't dwell on those. I am not a positive person in that respect and focus more on the the negative than the positive. Was I always this way? Probably.
Even the things we love eventually turn to something that is not loved any longer. In some cases it is just something that is tolerated. I am certain everyone can think of something that was loved or adored. Perhaps it was an activity. I, myself, used to enjoy going to the bars. Now it is something that I can live without. I go out with people sometimes, I don't look forward to it nor is it some activity that I purpose. Instead it is just something that I will tolerate if my company wants to do. It isn't really fun for me just another activity or motion to go through. The people there tend to be drab and boring for the most part drowning there little lives away in the swill poured from the tap. Trying to drink themselves to a better place or pour liquid courage down the gullet in hopes from some drunken encounter later that evening. Having seen it, I can't say it excites me any longer.
In other cases, things that we love or are infatuated with seem to loose meaning or their luster once they are obtained. I know the feeling all too well mostly because it is how I feel at times but this is most often attributed to those objects of lust. We have all lusted over something, a new car, some expensive jewelry, a collectable item of some sort or another. It is that lust and that chase for this new thing that is what has us in the rapture not the actual object itself. In my opinion that is why so many relationships fail. It is the hunt and the chase that is exciting. If there is nothing to chase, the fun is lost somewhere along the way. The car just isn't as exciting anymore with the payments, upkeep and the rest. There is always a newer, prettier car to be had. There is always a bigger diamond. There is always another set of magic cards or action figures along the way. Lastly, there is a never ending sea of people out there to be had, conquested after and eventually conquered.
Sometimes love turns to hate. I can't explain it but it just does. I am not going to give examples here. I have in the past. I know how it goes and I am sure the rest of you out there are in one of two boats. You get this or you don't. So here you will have to deal with an interlude while I ponder some thoughts. The lyrics to that song:
Hate is a strong word. (But I really don't like you.)
by the Plain White T's
Love love love love love love
You were everything I wanted
You were everything a girl could be
Then you left me brokenhearted
Now you don't mean a thing to me
All I wanted was your
Love love love love love love
Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you
Brought you around and you just brought me down
Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you
I really don't like you
Thought that everything was perfect (perfect)
Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
Thought you thought that I was worth it
Now I think a little differently
All I wanted was your
Love love love love love love
Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you (I really don't like you)
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you (liked about you)
Brought you around and you just brought me down
Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you
Now that it's over you can't hurt me
Now that it's over you can't bring me down
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
All I wanted was your
Love love love love love love
(Hate) Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you (I really don't like you)
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you (liked about you)
Brought you around and you just brought me down
(Hate) Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you
(Oh oh oh oh oh oh)
I really don't like you
(Oh oh oh oh oh oh)
I really don't like you
(Oh oh oh oh oh oh)
I really don't like you
(Oh oh oh oh oh oh)
Okay, I hope you liked it. If I could find it in music video format I would have shown just how catchy it was. God bless you Youtube. You have everything.
What is it about this song though? What is it that after listening to it for a half of a dozen times that sort of turns my stomach? I guess it has to do with vague memories of a very important and powerful conversation had once long ago. It was a talk that turned my mind inside out. Chemicals in my brain were forever realigned and synapses rearraged. In short, the brief words were like shock therapy, not necessarily setting things right but setting them just off of right to make the world make sense.
As I have stated time and time again, love and the feeling of such is nothing more than some chemicals that we are released in our brain in the presence of certain stimuli. The stimuli can be different things, people, pets and even that blanket from your childhood that your mother used to wrap you up in while you were in your crib. Hell chocolate causes that same chemical to ooze out of the glands in your brain. I have yet to find research on it but I wonder what chemical it is that makes us feel hate in its varying degrees? I wonder if it is similar or if it comes from the same place as that love juice?
You see the conversation had only one focus. It was talking about how love and hate were had such strong implications and in so many of our minds, are such strong emotions that it might be hard to tell them apart if lines were to be blurred. In my experience, those that I have loved the most are the same people for whom my most negative emotions are directed toward after certain actions have come to pass.
I suppose it has to do with letting people get close enough to do hurt. We all set up walls and let certain people in. As they peel back layers to get to our juicy center there is always the chance that something is going to get stolen away or torn apart.
I know that I am repeating myself here. Most people who read this will just say, "yeah... yeah... yeah... another broken record here."
Why though is it that after things are done do we try to continue to hurt the other person and act like children? I know I am guilty of this. It is like some stupid game. Why can't we just have a conversation, and be something like this:
Me: "Hey."
U: "Hey."
Me: "Hey, we had some good times."
U: "Yeah."
Me: "Good times. Good times indeed, but this shit is over."
U: "Yup"
Me: "Okay well, I am going to go this way you go that way. Have a nice life."
U: "Sounds good."
Why can't we have that? What sort of crazy fucked up sense or desire for self mutilations makes us want to stay attached to, with or around those people with whom we know there is nothing left or that we just don't like anymore? It is stupid I think. Stupid and yet so human I guess.
Some of you may think that I have gone off the deep and that this is going no where but there is a point. This song was playing the moment I made a fatal error and dialed a number I should have just forgotten. It was just habit I think. I was just programming all the numbers I had and could think of. Nothing good has come of it.
I don't want to know. I simply should have walked away. It makes me have dreams. It makes me have nightmares. I am there. So are you. He is there too.
I don't want to know. I should have walked away. There is no need to tell me about the random vacation you both took to where ever it was you went.
I don't want to know. I simply should have walked away. I am not the rag to be used to soak the tears that have fallen over your loneliness because your best friend has someone and you don't. I will not be the rag to soak them up when he breaks you. Don't get me wrong, it isn't that I don't want to see you cry but rather that I don't want to be any sort of comfort.
I don't want to know. I simply should have walked away. I don't want to know what makes him better than me. I don't want to know what it is that he does to make you happy or how wonderful he is. It is just some illusion. It isn't true. In the end he will be no better than the rest of us.
I don't want to know. I just don't want to know. I should have walked away.
So there is another thing ruined. I loved that song. Now after five or six minutes and a name to add to the list of people better than me I hate that song.
Thank you, Fuck you.
Lockwood